Welcome Home Persephone (AKA as the one in which Emily continues to be a romantic nerd)

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So, I think I’ve fallen in love with the Spring. It goes like this;

as the almost golden sun drips through the blossom trees, or drenches the sky and the fields in haze, I am lost in a place that my brain cannot perceive as real. Because to grow up, I had to teach myself that reality is never as bright as the world in my head. So, of course, I must be dreaming when I’m sat gazing out the window at the stretches of luminous fields that curve up to make hills that were obviously painted as concept art for the Shire. And so, because its a dream I don’t mind smiling like a huge dork, and singing out of key for everyone in the street to hear.

And even when it rains and the skies turn an overbearing grey, I don’t despair any more, because I know that it isn’t going to drain away my energy like vampiric January. There’s a warm hand on my back, reminding me this isn’t all there’s going to be, pushing me forward. So although I may not smile, I don’t bury my hope in a chest at the bottom of the sea. Just maybe under my bed.

So I’ll wear my prettiest dress, uncaring if I freeze to death.

And I’m praying that if I keep pretending it’s warmer than it is, the spring will always stay here, by my side. Which makes me realise that I don’t know what I’m going to do when the autumn strolls in and gives my joy a sleeping pill. I push the thought to the back of my mind, pull out my sunglasses from the obscure hole they were hiding in.

That’s the sum and total of it. Me and Demeter should start a support group. Imagine the t-shirts.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts. It’s all a bit like unravelled, tangled up wool at the moment, I’m just trying to tug on the right thread. Give me time, I’ll get it.

See you soon,

Emily

xxx

Nostalgic (AKA Emily vs the Mental Breakdown™)

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And so it begins. We all brace ourselves with coffee so strong it will probably cause brain damage and enough coloured pens to recreate a Monet painting, and collectively descend into revision hell. I’ll be honest, I have not descended quite as deeply as I should have at this point, but such is the consequence of being a chronic procrastinator.But even when you procrastinate, the stress and panic of preparing for exams, no matter what age you are, can be overwhelming at times.

I’ve always found that around this time of year, and around any difficult or stressful time, I find myself becoming increasingly nostalgic.

Nostalgia can be an awful thing. I have certainly found that dwelling in my past, and most likely remembering it to be much more golden than it actually was, creates an almost heart-breaking sense of discontent with my present. The future itself becomes insignificant, and living day to day feels pointless, as no matter how hard you work you can never get those effervescent days back. This form of nostalgia is in many ways toxic, eating away at your sense of purpose and self-esteem. And typically it perpetuates itself, as you become more discontent with your present you rely more on happy memories of your past, and so become more dis-engaged with what is happening right now. It’s a noxious circle of self-destruction.

Now I know that the dictionary defines nostalgia as ‘a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past’, but I believe that it is far more complex concept than that. Nostalgia, for me at least, is a form of escapism. And escapism doesn’t necessarily need to perpetuate the negativity that motivates your need for escape. We should try to be ‘nostalgic’ for our future, rather than for our past. I find it easiest to do this on my bus journeys, listening to music and looking above the towns to the hills in the distance. The stress of work becomes less of a dead weight when you remind yourself that is there is something beyond it. And no mater what it’s going to be, it’s certainly going to be different, which should be exciting! The past can never provide that kind of potential.

Good luck to everyone studying at the moment, I hope you maintain your sanity, whatever way you choose to do that! And never forget that there are hills on the horizon.

See you soon,

Emily

xxx